More, Please...

More...

• anniversaries, at least 30 or so
• birthday parties planned and executed with probably more flair than necessary
• friends over for dinner and fishing
• fight nights where the girls never even know the fight is on
• date nights to buy every Christmas gift on the list in one night
• being teased about basically everything
• vacations...lots more
• problems solved together
• advice given to our boys that only a dad can deliver with such certainty 

Many more...

• plans for retirement RVing to every Bluegrass festival we could find
• teams to coach
• boats to captain
• eye rolls when I had a new project in mind or it was my turn to host bunco, which were basically one in the same
• conversations about our work days over an early dinner before leaving for practices
• weddings to attend where he was singing
• ballgames where we sat apart because of his 'passion'
• plans to be the coolest grandparents some day
• plans to never be apart so our kids wouldn't have to know what that feels like

Man, what I wouldn't give for more...

• laughs
• inside jokes
• looks
• trips around the dance floor
• memories
• hugs...bear hugs
• encouragement
• unconditional love

Three years gone is too long to still have a lifetime of unfulfilled plans. Contentment is a hard concept when you lose someone. I am always praying this over my boys. For them to find peace. I don't allow myself to go through this list often, but I did write it down and it basically sums up a tiny fraction of what I am missing without him. I could probably add details daily.

Three was our signature number. We dated 3 times, therefore chose June 3rd as our wedding date, and we went on to have 3 boys basically 3 years apart...Wyatt being a bit of surprise. So, I think I knew that this year's date would be hard. I have come farther than to try and think it isn't my life now. It is. But I will allow myself to wish for things today that I do not have. I don't feel like this makes me a bitter person. I am not. I have accepted that it makes me normal. I am human. I can occasionally yell, "This is NOT FAIR!" because, frankly, it isn't. I just can't stay there.  I am living daily under the protection of my Savior. There is no other explanation for how we get from point A to point B.

I couldn't be more proud of my boys and who they are becoming. Tate had an assignment in his psychology class and he text me to ask what was a stressful event for him in the last few months. Neither of us could think of anything. We were naming the most random things that to some people would have seemed huge. I text him back and said...I think our definition of stress is so different than some people's. His words were, "I know mom, everything seems minor." I am sorry they know this truth due to something so unthinkable, but I am glad they are warriors. They make me stronger.

God's got this! The THIRD chapter of Ephesians even says that God has more in store for us than we can even imagine. Thank you for your promises! They cover and carry me.