parenting

I was recently sent this email. It had no copyright, etc. so hopefully it is ok to post as part of my blog. I was honestly laughing so hard I could barely contain myself. The reason is because my sister-in-law sent it to me. She is beautiful, neat, classy...and needless to say, married to my brother. He is such a sweet guy. Raised with all girls, and surprisingly is the cleanest of all of us. Almost anal in most cases. You know the type. He gets this look on his face when he sees grime of any kind like someone just asked him to lick the floor of a movie theater after a busy Friday night. He gets in my vehicle last week when I was home for a visit and immediately starts the clean up efforts. I just know that they have got to be thinking kids, and I just can't wait!!!!!! The first time he finds a fish stick behind their designer sofa....hee, hee, hee! (evil wicked witch laughter fills my head)

The best part is that they are going to be the best parents. They have this mix of compassion and hard *%$. Their children will be loved all around and very well rounded! I can't wait until his little boy asks him funny questions, or the first time the kid pukes or spills strawberry milk in the shag carpeting. I am now speaking from experience. Just last night, my 4 year old (going on 18) says that he has found his brain. I said oh, where is it? He says just below my wasset (his penis...somehow he named it a cross between wiener and faucet...makes sense!). He proceeds to tell me that he sees it everyday when he potties and knows that is his brain because he saw a picture of a brain in a book. WOW! I explained that it was not his brain, then going into my very 'science teacher' version of where the brain is located and why it is surrounded by bone for protection, etc. The explanation was lengthy in hopes of detouring the obvious next question he was going to ask. Didn't work! We now know what testicles are. He was at least satisfied with the technical name, and didn't ask their function. Thank you Lord for that break. I, as always when something in that area is brought up, explained and reminded him about the importance of only discussing these things with mommy and daddy. So, on his way down the stairs he yells down to daddy..."Daddy, my brain really isn't under my wasset!" Nice, I just smiled at my husband and told him I would explain later!

Enjoy and parents, try not to wet your pants!:

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Getup, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last,take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

finding a balance

What does this mean anyway? I am having a hard time right now doing that. I used to teach 140 kids a day, be a decent mom, good wife, and never perfected the housekeeping gig...but oh well! Now I get to stay home. I love every minute of it. I get to work out daily, set my own schedule, reward myself for a job well done, and even hear and see everything my little guys do. Here are my only issues. I used to work with 40+ women every day. These ladies were in the same boat I was in with the list of daily duties. They were my friends. They could sympathize, and another thing we all shared was the love of teaching. So...which do I prefer? Well, considering my 4 year old seems to need counseling for his lack of friends and grandparents in our new state, and my husband's job is nothing more than a job?? I am not sure. The money flows like rivers here, but is that enough? That is certainly not what life is made of...it is made of family, friends, faith, and relationships. It is knowing that your child is safe and flourishing. It is loving whatever you are doing...Wherever you are doing it, and making the most of every situation. It is not taking for granted the importance of stability and community.

reaping what you sow

When I was little all I ever wanted was for my parents to somehow get back together. I say when I was little, it is truly only fair to say that I felt that way from about age 9 to 12. My thoughts and feelings changed when I turned 12 and all the sudden my heart was burdened with my dad's lost soul. He was a bit of a drinker when we were young. I never realized how much this impacted me until I was an adult and was scared (still am) to drink in a crowd and, of course, never alone. I had a few embarrassing incidents in college that were obviously paternally inherited.
I knew that his mom was a 'good woman' and until her funeral did not know that she used to sing in church. My mom sheltered us a bit from any sort of super close relationship with my dad's parents. My mom meant well and as we got older encouraged us to build that relationship. It was just not a place where we would have been spending the night or going over for Sunday dinner. We joke that by sundown my grandpa was posted at the end of the driveway with a shotgun, drunk, and awaiting any trespassers.
My dad was having a sordid affair with an older, wrinkled, epileptic smoker that he worked with; while all along my mom was taking care of 4 children and babysat a few of her working friends kids during the day. She had never worked outside of the home, and she and my dad had just custom built a beautiful home for our family. Needless to say, we moved into a rental and my mom got her first job since high school. My little sister was still in the crib, so my older sister, 12, myself, 9, and our brother, 4.5, were instant babysitters, housekeepers, etc.
I say epileptic because our first blessed opportunity to meet this scary woman was at a pizza place where she had a siezure when ordering the pizza. All I remember was her false teeth coming out and my little sister crying in the high chair. We were all scared. For goodness sakes, we were way to young to be witnessing all of that. It was hard enough because there were several promising weekends prior to this one that we would all 4 wait at the front door for his arrival and he would not show. I can just remember my mom scooping us all up and taking us to the park or something to help us feel a little better about being stood up.
My dad moved to Louisiana with this woman after a failed attempt to start a business led to bancruptcy in Oklahoma. While there and still married, he met a woman. Someone else that he worked with...although this time younger, smarter, very cajun, very opinionated, very passionate about life, and very controlling of him. She was young enough to want more children. They were blessed with 3. Yes, my father has 7 beautiful (if I do say so myself) children.
I wanted to say all that to say this...at age 31 I can honestly say that God's covenant with Abram in Genesis really does still hold true today.
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all people on earth will be blessed through you."
My dad was prayed for by me for right at 10 years before God spoke to him. As a kid every time anyone asked for prayer requests, that was mine. I would simply say, "My dad." It was hard on all of us. We were raised in a conservative Southern Baptist Church, do you know the kind? Where you can't even wear shorts in the gymnasium? My mom was pretty well shunned by all but 2 women that come to mind. I even had a friend who's parents would no longer let her stay the night because my mom was 'a single parent'. No telling what hell she would have been exposed to.
I was the director of Vacation Bible School when I first started teaching school and had summer time to help out with that. I loved it. I never realized what an impact VBS was having on the parents of the kids who came. I then found out that is one main reason that churches have this big event. To get the parents to come! Well, that same summer, my dad's kids were attending VBS in their community and the rest is history.
My dad...once I felt cursed by him, and he would tell you today that he has reaped plenty of what he sowed. Yet, he would also tell you that taking his teenagers to ballgames, school events, and church functions is now something he loves. I used to think that would have made me jealous, but I can't tell you how happy it makes me. He would tell you a funny story about how one time his wife had to bail him out of jail and he to this day will never hear the end of it. He would tell you that without her persuasive, persistence he would not be walking the straight and narrow. He would tell you how proud of his kids he is. He would tell you that he never wanted to hurt anyone, but admits to hurting everyone. He will call himself 'honorable grandfather' to my two sweethearts and laugh the hardest on the phone when they are talking to him. He would tell you that he cooks for the men's prayer breakfast, runs the powerpoint on Sunday mornings, and is amazed whenever he can share his testimony. I am amazed at the blessings that I have received from coming to the realization that he will meet Jesus someday just as I prayed for and I know my siblings did too. That he is already forgiven and that we are all in this together as believers. That none of us are perfect and that's why we have Jesus. Thank you for the promises and long lasting covenants that You and only You give Lord!