parenting

I was recently sent this email. It had no copyright, etc. so hopefully it is ok to post as part of my blog. I was honestly laughing so hard I could barely contain myself. The reason is because my sister-in-law sent it to me. She is beautiful, neat, classy...and needless to say, married to my brother. He is such a sweet guy. Raised with all girls, and surprisingly is the cleanest of all of us. Almost anal in most cases. You know the type. He gets this look on his face when he sees grime of any kind like someone just asked him to lick the floor of a movie theater after a busy Friday night. He gets in my vehicle last week when I was home for a visit and immediately starts the clean up efforts. I just know that they have got to be thinking kids, and I just can't wait!!!!!! The first time he finds a fish stick behind their designer sofa....hee, hee, hee! (evil wicked witch laughter fills my head)

The best part is that they are going to be the best parents. They have this mix of compassion and hard *%$. Their children will be loved all around and very well rounded! I can't wait until his little boy asks him funny questions, or the first time the kid pukes or spills strawberry milk in the shag carpeting. I am now speaking from experience. Just last night, my 4 year old (going on 18) says that he has found his brain. I said oh, where is it? He says just below my wasset (his penis...somehow he named it a cross between wiener and faucet...makes sense!). He proceeds to tell me that he sees it everyday when he potties and knows that is his brain because he saw a picture of a brain in a book. WOW! I explained that it was not his brain, then going into my very 'science teacher' version of where the brain is located and why it is surrounded by bone for protection, etc. The explanation was lengthy in hopes of detouring the obvious next question he was going to ask. Didn't work! We now know what testicles are. He was at least satisfied with the technical name, and didn't ask their function. Thank you Lord for that break. I, as always when something in that area is brought up, explained and reminded him about the importance of only discussing these things with mommy and daddy. So, on his way down the stairs he yells down to daddy..."Daddy, my brain really isn't under my wasset!" Nice, I just smiled at my husband and told him I would explain later!

Enjoy and parents, try not to wet your pants!:

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Getup, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last,take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.