More, Please...

More...

• anniversaries, at least 30 or so
• birthday parties planned and executed with probably more flair than necessary
• friends over for dinner and fishing
• fight nights where the girls never even know the fight is on
• date nights to buy every Christmas gift on the list in one night
• being teased about basically everything
• vacations...lots more
• problems solved together
• advice given to our boys that only a dad can deliver with such certainty 

Many more...

• plans for retirement RVing to every Bluegrass festival we could find
• teams to coach
• boats to captain
• eye rolls when I had a new project in mind or it was my turn to host bunco, which were basically one in the same
• conversations about our work days over an early dinner before leaving for practices
• weddings to attend where he was singing
• ballgames where we sat apart because of his 'passion'
• plans to be the coolest grandparents some day
• plans to never be apart so our kids wouldn't have to know what that feels like

Man, what I wouldn't give for more...

• laughs
• inside jokes
• looks
• trips around the dance floor
• memories
• hugs...bear hugs
• encouragement
• unconditional love

Three years gone is too long to still have a lifetime of unfulfilled plans. Contentment is a hard concept when you lose someone. I am always praying this over my boys. For them to find peace. I don't allow myself to go through this list often, but I did write it down and it basically sums up a tiny fraction of what I am missing without him. I could probably add details daily.

Three was our signature number. We dated 3 times, therefore chose June 3rd as our wedding date, and we went on to have 3 boys basically 3 years apart...Wyatt being a bit of surprise. So, I think I knew that this year's date would be hard. I have come farther than to try and think it isn't my life now. It is. But I will allow myself to wish for things today that I do not have. I don't feel like this makes me a bitter person. I am not. I have accepted that it makes me normal. I am human. I can occasionally yell, "This is NOT FAIR!" because, frankly, it isn't. I just can't stay there.  I am living daily under the protection of my Savior. There is no other explanation for how we get from point A to point B.

I couldn't be more proud of my boys and who they are becoming. Tate had an assignment in his psychology class and he text me to ask what was a stressful event for him in the last few months. Neither of us could think of anything. We were naming the most random things that to some people would have seemed huge. I text him back and said...I think our definition of stress is so different than some people's. His words were, "I know mom, everything seems minor." I am sorry they know this truth due to something so unthinkable, but I am glad they are warriors. They make me stronger.

God's got this! The THIRD chapter of Ephesians even says that God has more in store for us than we can even imagine. Thank you for your promises! They cover and carry me.

Is He Proud of Me?

3 - That is the number of days that my boys had insurance after my husband suddenly passed away on April 27, 2015. His gracious company wanted so badly to extend the time but he was ‘no longer employed’ through them, so by law...they couldn’t. They verbally committed to helping me if any need for healthcare should arise until I could get it handled. Get it handled? I was handling a lot of things I didn’t want to be handling. When I called Mrs. Carpenter at the Administration building to discuss my options, there were none I could afford. She very gently and sweetly told me to consider SoonerCare for my boys. My first reaction was, “WHAT? No! I am an educated woman with a career. I should be able to take care of my children’s insurance needs.” $8,000.00 - That was the amount of usable, bring home income that I would be lacking every month without him. Yes, he had worked his whole life from 14 to 41, so the boys would be getting some death benefits through Social Security. However, those weren’t enough to get the insurance. Those are barely enough combined with my teaching salary to feed everyone, maintain their activities, and carry on their life somewhat as they once knew it. SoonerCare - It has been a blessing and a curse. I remember sending my boys back to school just a week after losing Shane and feeling a real urgency to stay close to their buildings that day in case they needed me. I hid in my sister’s office at the Seventh Grade Center and she and I literally prayed over her computer as I hit submit on the SoonerCare forms online. I cried tears of joy when it said they were approved. I cried out of shock that it was that easy to prove my case for assistance. I printed their temporary insurance cards and began a life of assumptions at the doctors, pharmacies, dentist, and optometrist. Once, when checking in at the doctor, the receptionist said snidely about some needed paperwork, “Oooooh, you’re on SoonerCare.” I had frankly had enough of the shameful comments and haughty glares and plainly told her that, yes, because my husband is dead and I’m a public school teacher. You see, what I really wanted to say was...Yes, I have government assisted healthcare for my children because my children mean more to me than my pride. Yes, I have a career and a 4 year plus degree. Yes, I wish my profession thought enough of my family to offer better pay and better insurance options. And no, I am not working the system. Every year when I reapply, and I get approval, that will continue to be a blessing until it’s not. Then, I will seek counsel and possibly look to another state or industry for work. My boys have had enough change to deal with in one lifetime, so I would like to avoid this option.  Financial security can be a very taxing reality once it is gone.

I submitted the above as a part of my Teacher of the Year portfolio. I sent it to lawmakers. It is raw, real, and EMBARRASSING. I have been feeling like I should share it to throw a little perspective to some. I am not looking for sympathy and really don't want to be treated like the second class citizen that I have occasionally been made to feel like for having to take advantage of such program. One sweet friend assured me that my situation is why Soonercare and programs like it were originally put into place. For people who have life hand them an unfair slap, not for people who don't feel like working. I work. I will continue to work. And, as it stands right now, if the Oklahoma raises aren't at a competitive range, I will no longer qualify and will then be in the hole for providing insurance for myself and my boys at the rate of...well over my house payment (don't get us started on how much our insurance costs). If it is fully funded, I should qualify and hopefully break somewhere close to even. I would love this! I WANT to take care of my kids. It's my solo job now and I take it very seriously.

I often wonder what Shane is thinking about all of this. We had many discussions about my job and he KNEW I didn't do it for the money. He loved my breakdown of the day at dinnertime, and he became invested in the lives of my students. Would he be proud of Oklahoma educators? I have NO DOUBT he would! I would have talked him into playing Johnny Cash live at the Capitol and I would have been trying to hold him back from swiping all of the most edgy of signs to wave! First and foremost, he would not want me to feel embarrassed for trying to continue the life that I loved and for providing our boys. I feel your love, babe. I know you don't like it when I worry, so here is me trying to gather my prayer warriors once more to get us through a day.